Lets start at the beginning
We are going to start learning two very important skills- validation and communication. Lets start first with validation as this is a core concept that we need to understand in order to learn how to communicate more effectively.
Lesson 1
VALIDATION
Parenting a teenager often feels like walking a tightrope. On one side, you want to guide, protect, and set boundaries. On the other, you want to give your teen space to grow, make mistakes, and find their independence. If you lean too far in either direction—being too strict or too lenient—you’re likely to end up in constant conflict.
This is where “Walking the Middle Path” comes in. It teaches us how to find balance between two extremes, so that both you and your teen can feel understood. A big part of this balance is validation.
What is validation?
Validation means showing your teen that their feelings, thoughts, and experiences make sense—even if you don’t agree with them.
It’s about saying: “I hear you, I see you, and what you feel is real.”
Why does validation matter so much?
Teens are in a stage of life where emotions feel bigger, stronger, and harder to control.
When their emotions are dismissed or criticized, they may feel pushed away, become defensive, or shut down completely.
On the other hand, when you validate their experience, your teen feels safe, respected, and more willing to listen to you in return.
In fact, research shows that an invalidating environment—where a teen’s emotions are ignored, punished, or minimized—contributes to emotional and behavioral problems. By learning validation, you are actively building the foundation for healthier communication and behavior change at home.
Think of validation as opening the door. Once your teen feels heard, they are far more likely to walk through that door and meet you halfway when it comes to rules, limits, and problem-solving.
Walking the Middle Path Explained
The extremes parents often fall into:
Being too strict (authoritarian: “My way or the highway”)
Being too lenient (permissive: “I just give in, otherwise it’s a fight”)
The Middle Path: A balance between guidance and independence, limits and flexibility.
DBT highlights three common “family dilemmas” that fuel conflict:
Excessive leniency vs. authoritarian control
Normalizing problem behaviors vs. pathologising normal behaviors
Forcing independence vs. fostering dependence
Walking the middle path is about finding balance. It means holding both truths at the same time:
“My teen is doing the best they can” and “They can learn to do better.”
“I want to protect them” and “They need room to grow.”
When you step away from either/or thinking, you reduce arguments and open up space for collaboration.
Example in Action
Your teen says: “You never trust me. You treat me like a child!”
An invalidating response might be:
“That’s not true, of course I trust you. You’re overreacting.”A validating, middle-path response could be:
“I get that it feels unfair when I set limits—you want more independence. And at the same time, it’s my job to make sure you’re safe. Let’s figure out a balance together.”
See how both truths are acknowledged? That’s the middle path.
Validation helps you step out of the extremes and into the middle.
What Validation Is (and Isn’t)
Validation is: Listening, acknowledging feelings, showing you “get it.”
Validation is not: Agreeing, excusing, or giving in.
Example:
Teen: “I hate school, it’s so stupid.”
Invalidating response: “Don’t be ridiculous, everyone has to go to school.”
Validating response: “It sounds like school feels really frustrating for you right now.
Why Validation Works
Teens are wired to push boundaries, but they also deeply need to feel seen.
Validation calms emotions and lowers defensiveness.
Once a teen feels heard, they are more open to hearing your perspective.
Over time, validation builds trust, respect, and cooperation.
Six Levels of Validation
Here are six ways you can validate your teen, from the simplest to the deepest:
Pay attention — Put your phone down. Look at them. Show you’re listening.
Reflect back — Repeat or summarize: “So you felt left out at lunch today.”
“Read minds” — Notice body language: “You seem quiet tonight—was something tough at school?”
Understand in context — Connect their reaction to past experience: “I can see why that upset you, especially after what happened last week.”
Acknowledge the valid — Find the kernel of truth: “It makes sense you’d want more independence.”
Radical genuineness — Drop the parenting script. Be human. Let your teen feel your authenticity.
Tip: You don’t have to use all six at once. Even the first two can make a big difference.
Lets explore how to put this in action over the next week
Practice Challenge for the Week
Choose one daily moment with your teen to practice validation.
Focus on listening and reflecting feelings before giving advice or correction.
Keep it short and simple (e.g., “I get that you’re frustrated”).
Write down what you noticed about your teen’s reaction.
Lesson 2: EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION
Effective Communication: Why It Matters
If validation is about listening and showing your teen that their feelings make sense, then effective communication is about speaking in a way that gets your message across while still protecting the relationship.
Think about it:
Have you ever tried to set a limit with your teen, only for it to explode into an argument?
Or maybe you wanted to say “no” but felt guilty, so you gave in?
Or perhaps you got your point across, but in a way that left both you and your teen hurt or resentful?
These are all signs that communication broke down.
DBT teaches us that effective communication has three goals:
Getting what you need (asking directly, setting limits, saying no clearly).
Strengthening relationships (protecting trust, showing respect, building connection).
Respecting yourself (acting in line with your values, walking away feeling proud).
Parents often lean too much toward one of these goals—maybe you focus so hard on being heard that the relationship gets strained, or you give up your own needs just to keep the peace. Effective communication is about balancing all three.
You’ll be learning four practical strategies that help you do just that:
DEAR MAN: How to ask for what you want or say no clearly.
GIVE: How to maintain and strengthen the relationship while communicating.
FAST: How to keep your self-respect in the middle of hard conversations.
THINK: How to step back, take perspective, and choose the most effective response.
But before we dive into these tools, it’s important to recognize what might get in the way. Many parents struggle with unhelpful beliefs like “If I say no, they’ll hate me” or “It’s selfish to ask for what I want”. Others get blocked by strong emotions, unclear goals, or old habits.
The good news? These skills give you a roadmap for navigating those barriers. They’re like a communication toolkit: you won’t need every tool every time, but knowing they’re there means you’re prepared for whatever conversation comes your way.
We are going to start with the first communication strategy, which we call DEARMAN.
DEARMAN: A Tool for Getting Your Needs Met
One of the biggest challenges in parenting a teen is asking for what you need—or saying no—without the conversation ending in conflict or silence. This is where DEARMAN comes in.
DEARMAN is one of the core skills from DBT’s Interpersonal Effectiveness module. It’s a practical step-by-step guide that helps you:
Be clear and confident when making requests.
Say no without feeling guilty.
Stay calm and effective, even when your teen pushes back.
Protect both the relationship and your own self-respect.
Think of DEARMAN as a roadmap for communication. Instead of reacting in the heat of the moment, it gives you a clear structure to follow so that your message gets across—without unnecessary arguments, lectures, or shutting down.
What DEARMAN Stands For
D – Describe the situation clearly and factually. (No judgments, just the facts.)
E – Express how you feel using “I” statements.
A – Assert your need directly. Say what you want or don’t want.
R – Reinforce by explaining the positive outcome of your request.
M – Mindful: Stay focused on your goal, don’t get pulled into side arguments.
A – Appear confident in your tone and body language.
N – Negotiate: Be flexible and open to compromise.
Why This Matters for Parents
When emotions run high, it’s easy for parents and teens to end up in power struggles. DEARMAN helps you step out of that cycle. It allows you to:
Set clear boundaries without shaming or blaming.
Model respectful, assertive communication for your teen.
Keep the focus on problem-solving, rather than “winning” the argument.
Example: Instead of “You’re always so lazy, you never help around the house!”, a DEARMAN version might sound like:
“The dishes have been left in the sink for two days (Describe). I feel frustrated when I come home to that (Express). I need you to wash them tonight (Assert). That way, we’ll all have a clean space to use tomorrow (Reinforce).”
Lets go through a few real life scenarios together.
Scenario 1: Homework Battles
Your teen often avoids homework, and when you remind them, it turns into an argument.
DEARMAN in action:
D – Describe: “I’ve noticed your homework hasn’t been started, and it’s already 8 PM.”
E – Express: “I feel worried that you’ll fall behind if assignments aren’t completed.”
A – Assert: “I need you to spend the next hour working on your homework.”
R – Reinforce: “If you finish tonight, you’ll have more free time tomorrow without school stress hanging over you.”
M – Mindful: If they complain or argue, keep bringing the focus back to homework.
A – Appear confident: Calm tone, steady eye contact.
N – Negotiate: “If it feels overwhelming, let’s break it into 20-minute chunks with breaks.”
Scenario 2: Screen Time Limits
Your teen spends late nights on their phone, which is affecting sleep and mood.
DEARMAN in action:
D: “It’s past midnight, and I’ve seen your light still on with your phone in use.”
E: “I feel concerned because staying up so late makes it harder for you to get enough sleep.”
A: “I need you to hand me your phone by 10 PM on school nights.”
R: “This way you’ll feel more rested, and mornings will be easier.”
M: If they protest, repeat the request calmly: “I understand it’s frustrating, but I still need you to hand it in by 10.”
A: Stay calm and firm.
N: “We can agree on a later time for weekends, but not on school nights.”
Scenario 3: Respectful Tone
Your teen sometimes speaks with sarcasm or rudeness when frustrated.
DEARMAN in action:
D: “When I asked you to take out the trash, you said, ‘Why don’t you do it yourself?’ in a sharp tone.”
E: “I felt disrespected and hurt by that response.”
A: “I need you to speak to me respectfully, even if you’re annoyed.”
R: “When we talk respectfully, it’s easier for me to listen to your point of view.”
M: Don’t get hooked by eye rolls or side comments—stay on track.
A: Speak calmly, don’t mirror their tone.
N: “If you need a few minutes to calm down before responding, that’s okay.”
Scenario 4: Helping Around the House
Chores are uneven, and your teen resists pitching in.
DEARMAN in action:
D: “This week, I’ve been the one doing dishes every night.”
E: “I feel exhausted when I’m carrying all the work.”
A: “I need you to do the dishes on Monday and Wednesday evenings.”
R: “That way we’ll share the load, and I’ll have more energy to do things with you.”
M: If they argue, repeat: “I understand you don’t like dishes, but I still need you to do them on those nights.”
A: Appear confident, not pleading.
N: “If you prefer, we can swap dishes for vacuuming.”
Scenario 5: Saying No to an Outing
Your teen wants to go out, but you don’t feel it’s safe.
DEARMAN in action:
D: “You asked me if you could go to that party on Friday.”
E: “I feel uneasy about it because I don’t know the parents who are hosting.”
A: “I’m saying no to this party.”
R: “When I know the environment is safe, I’ll feel comfortable saying yes next time.”
M: Stay mindful if they plead: “I understand you’re upset, but my decision is no for this party.”
A: Stay calm but firm.
N: “If you’d like, invite friends over here instead, and we can agree on a time frame.”
GIVE: Relationship Effectiveness Skills
So far, we’ve learned how to use DEARMAN when you need to be clear and assertive. But sometimes, your main goal in a conversation isn’t just to get what you want—it’s to keep the relationship strong. That’s where GIVE comes in.
Relationships with teens can feel fragile. Arguments, eye rolls, and misunderstandings can leave both sides feeling distant. GIVE helps you show up in a way that protects connection, even when the conversation is hard.
What GIVE Stands For
G – Be Gentle
Approach your teen with kindness and respect, even if you’re frustrated.Avoid yelling, threats, sarcasm, or guilt-trips.
Use a calm voice and open body language.
Example: “I’d like to talk with you about something—it won’t take long.”I – Act Interested
Show that you’re listening and that their perspective matters.Put distractions aside (yes, even your phone).
Nod, ask questions, use “I see” or “Tell me more.”
Example: “That sounds important to you—help me understand more about it.”V – Validate
Let your teen know their feelings and experiences make sense—even if you don’t agree with their actions.“I can see why you’re upset.”
“It makes sense that you’d feel hurt after that.”
Remember: validating feelings doesn’t mean condoning behavior.E – Use an Easy Manner
Lighten the conversation where possible.Use a relaxed tone, sit beside rather than looming over, smile gently.
Sometimes a small touch of humour or warmth keeps things from escalating.
Example: a little smile when tensions rise: “Okay, let’s take a breath before we both explode.”
When to Use GIVE
When you want to keep or strengthen your relationship.
When you’re having a tough conversation and don’t want it to escalate.
When you’re reconnecting after an argument.
Takeaway:
Where DEARMAN is about being clear and effective in asking for what you want, GIVE is about protecting the relationship while you communicate. Using both together helps you balance boundaries with connection.
Lets have a look at a few scenarios were you can use GIVE.
Scenario 1: Teen Comes Home Upset After School
Your teen slams their bag down and mutters, “I hate everyone.”
How to use GIVE:
G – Gentle: “Sounds like it was a rough day. I’m here if you want to talk.” (Soft voice, no judgment)
I – Interested: Put your phone down, turn to face them. “Do you want to tell me what happened?”
V – Validate: “No wonder you’re feeling angry—if my friends left me out, I’d feel hurt too.”
E – Easy Manner: Sit next to them, maybe hand them a snack. Keep your posture relaxed.
Scenario 2: Chores Turn into Conflict
You ask your teen to take out the trash, and they snap: “Why do I always have to do everything?”
How to use GIVE:
G – Gentle: Instead of snapping back, you take a breath: “I get that you’re frustrated.”
I – Interested: “Tell me what feels unfair about the chores right now.” (Listen without interrupting)
V – Validate: “It makes sense that you’d feel annoyed if it feels like too much is on your plate.”
E – Easy Manner: Add a light touch: “Honestly, I don’t love trash duty either—but let’s figure this out together.”
Scenario 3: Asking About Grades
You notice their math grade has dropped and want to bring it up without making them defensive.
How to use GIVE:
G – Gentle: “I saw the report card came in—I’d like to talk about it with you.”
I – Interested: “Can you walk me through what’s been hardest about math lately?”
V – Validate: “Math can be tough, and I know you’ve been juggling a lot.”
E – Easy Manner: Use a lighter tone: “Remember when I tried to help with math? You were right—I was way off!” (smile together to ease tension)
Scenario 4: Disrespectful Tone
Your teen rolls their eyes and mutters under their breath when you ask them to do something.
How to use GIVE:
G – Gentle: Stay calm: “I hear your tone, and I’d like us to talk respectfully.”
I – Interested: “Is something else bothering you right now?”
V – Validate: “I get that chores aren’t fun and it’s annoying to be asked.”
E – Easy Manner: Use humor if it fits: “Trust me, I’d trade dishes for Netflix any day.”
Scenario 5: Reconnecting After a Big Argument
The day after a heated fight, you want to reopen the door to connection.
How to use GIVE:
G – Gentle: “I know yesterday got intense, and I don’t want us to stay stuck there.”
I – Interested: “Can you share how you were feeling during that fight?”
V – Validate: “I can see why you felt I wasn’t listening—you were trying to make your point.”
E – Easy Manner: Suggest something light: “How about we talk more over hot chocolate? It might go down easier than yesterday’s argument.”
These examples show that GIVE is less about the exact words, and more about the tone and attitude.
Teens pick up quickly on whether you’re being harsh or genuinely curious.
The FAST Skill: Keeping Your Self-Respect as a Parent
Sometimes when we’re talking to our teens, the goal isn’t about getting them to agree or keeping the peace at all costs. Sometimes, the most important goal is being able to look back and know: “I stayed true to my values, I treated my teen fairly, and I didn’t lose myself in the process.”
That’s where FAST comes in:
F – Be Fair
Be fair to your teen and yourself.
Acknowledge their perspective without dismissing your own.
Example: “I get that this feels unfair to you, and at the same time, it’s my job as your parent to keep you safe.”
A – No (Unnecessary) Apologies
Don’t apologize for setting limits, having expectations, or saying no.
Apologize only when you’ve actually made a mistake—not for doing your job as a parent.
Example: Instead of “Sorry, but you can’t go to the party,” try “I know you want to go, but I’ve decided it’s not safe for you right now.”
S – Stick to Your Values
Hold on to what matters most to you: safety, respect, honesty, responsibility.
Teens often test limits—that’s part of growing up. But if you give in and go against your values, it erodes your authority and your self-respect.
Example: “I know all your friends are doing it, but I don’t allow drinking. That’s something I won’t compromise on.”
T – Be Truthful
Be clear and honest—don’t exaggerate or manipulate.
Teens see through dishonesty quickly. Being truthful builds trust and models integrity.
Example: Instead of “Everyone will think badly of you if you quit the team,” try “I worry that quitting means you’ll miss out on something you usually enjoy. Can we talk about what’s really going on?”
Why FAST matters for parents:
Teens may not thank you in the moment, but staying consistent with FAST helps them learn boundaries, values, and respect.
It also protects your own self-respect—so you can feel steady and confident, even when your teen is pushing back hard.
FAST in Real-Life Parenting Scenarios
1. Curfew Battle
Scenario: Your teen wants to stay out until midnight, but you’ve set the curfew at 10:00 pm. They accuse you of being “the strictest parent in the world.”
Fair: “I hear that you feel I’m too strict. I also need to make sure you’re safe and rested for school.”
Apologies: Don’t apologize for setting a boundary. “I’m not sorry for having a curfew—it’s part of keeping you safe.”
Stick to Values: “One of my values as your parent is making sure you get enough rest and are safe at night.”
Truthful: “The real reason I set the 10:00 pm curfew is safety. Nothing good happens for teens hanging out late at night.”
2. The “Can I Skip Homework?” Argument
Scenario: Your teen insists homework is pointless and begs to skip it.
Fair: “I know you’re tired and think it’s a waste of time. I also know that completing your work builds responsibility and keeps your grades up.”
Apologies: No need to apologize for expecting effort.
Stick to Values: “I value responsibility and doing your best, even when it’s tough.”
Truthful: “Skipping homework might feel easier tonight, but it creates bigger problems later. That’s why I’m holding this boundary.”
3. The Party with Alcohol
Scenario: Your teen wants to go to a party where you suspect there will be drinking. They argue, “Everyone else’s parents are letting them go!”
Fair: “I get that you don’t want to feel left out. At the same time, it’s my job to keep you safe.”
Apologies: Don’t say, “Sorry, but you can’t go.” Instead: “I’m not apologizing for saying no to a situation that I think is unsafe.”
Stick to Values: “I don’t allow underage drinking. That’s a line I won’t cross as your parent.”
Truthful: “This is about your safety and my responsibility—not about punishing you or being unfair.”
4. Disrespectful Tone
Scenario: Your teen rolls their eyes and says, “You don’t know anything!” when you try to give advice.
Fair: “I understand you’re frustrated, and I also want to be spoken to respectfully.”
Apologies: No apologizing for expecting respect.
Stick to Values: “Respect is really important in our home. I’ll always listen to you, but I expect the same in return.”
Truthful: “When you roll your eyes, it makes me feel dismissed, and I want us to be able to talk openly.”
5. Phone Use at Night
Scenario: You tell your teen to put their phone away at 10:00 pm, but they argue that they need it to “stay connected” with friends.
Fair: “I know it’s important for you to keep in touch with your friends. I also need to make sure you get good sleep.”
Apologies: No apologizing for setting a tech limit.
Stick to Values: “Health and balance are values I want for our family. That means rest at night.”
Truthful: “The reason I set this limit is because I see how late phone use affects your mood and focus the next day.”
Parent Tip: Teens may not like these limits, but consistency builds both your credibility and their respect for you (eventually!). FAST helps you set boundaries without guilt or losing your sense of self.
The THINK Skill: Reducing Conflict and Negative Emotion
Sometimes, when we’re upset with our teen, it’s easy to jump to conclusions or assume the worst about their intentions. The THINK skill helps parents slow down, consider other possibilities, and respond in a calmer, more effective way.
THINK stands for:
T – Think about the situation from the other person’s perspective.
H – Have empathy for what they may be feeling.
I – Consider other Interpretations of the behaviour (maybe your teen is tired, anxious, or embarrassed—not just “lazy” or “defiant”).
N – Notice the other person’s body language, tone, and emotions.
K – Choose to be Kind, even when you feel frustrated.
By using THINK, parents can pause and reflect before reacting, which makes it easier to validate their teen and keep communication open.
Example: Instead of thinking “My teen is being disrespectful on purpose,” using THINK might shift the thought to, “Maybe they had a rough day at school. I’ll ask first before assuming.”
Before we end off this lesson there is one last communication strategy we need to discuss.
This is to know how and when to ask for something. Sometimes we are so used to yelling to be heard, we forget that there are different intensities to how to ask for things or to say no to things.
Asking Spectrum
Hinting – Drop a suggestion indirectly (“It would be nice if someone helped with this”).
Asking Tentatively – A soft request (“Would you mind helping me?”).
Asking Clearly – Direct but respectful (“Can you help me with this today?”).
Assertive Asking – Clear and confident (“I need your help with this by 4pm”).
Repeating the Ask – Holding your ground if ignored (“As I said, I really need this done”).
Insisting/Demanding – Strongest form, usually when rights are at stake (“I need this done now”).
Saying No Spectrum
Hesitating – Soft start, buying time (“Umm, I’m not sure”).
Excusing – Giving a reason (“I’d love to, but I’m busy”).
Polite Decline – Direct but gentle (“Thanks, but I’m going to pass”).
Firm Refusal – Clear boundary (“I’m not able to do that”).
Repeating No – Standing ground if pressured (“I’ve already said no”).
Refusal with Consequences – Setting limits (“No. If you keep asking, I’ll need to leave”).
The key take away here is:
You don’t always have to start at the strongest level.
Evaluate the context
Then choose the right level of intensity for that situation.
Its hard work changing how you communicate, especially after years of struggle and feeling you are not being heard or respected.
Be gentle on yourself, you got this.