What to Do When Family Doesn’t Validate Your Illness or Pain
Living with chronic illness or pain is already challenging—but it becomes even more painful when the people closest to you don’t seem to believe or understand what you’re going through. Whether it’s subtle dismissal, overt disbelief, or pressure to “just get over it,” a lack of validation from family can lead to isolation, shame, and emotional distress.
Here are some steps to help you navigate this difficult dynamic:
1. Validate Yourself First
The first and most important step is learning to validate your own experience. Your pain is real, even if others can’t see it. Remind yourself:
“I know what I’m feeling. My experiences are valid, even if others don’t understand.”
This inner validation forms the foundation of resilience when external support is lacking.
2. Educate Without Over-Explaining
Sometimes, a lack of validation stems from a lack of understanding. Sharing simple, accessible information about your condition can help—but don’t feel obligated to prove yourself. You’re not responsible for changing someone’s beliefs.
Instead, focus on boundaries. You might say:
“I know this might be hard to understand, but this is my reality. I’d appreciate your support, even if you don’t fully get it.”
3. Set Boundaries Around Hurtful Comments
It’s okay to protect yourself from conversations or behaviors that make your pain worse. Setting boundaries might sound like:
“When you tell me to ‘just push through it,’ I feel dismissed. I need you to respect that I’m doing the best I can.”
Boundaries are not about punishing others—they’re about protecting your emotional well-being.
4. Seek Support Elsewhere
If family can’t or won’t support you, look for connection elsewhere. This might include:
Support groups (in-person or online)
Friends who are empathetic listeners
Therapists or health professionals who understand your illness/chronic pain
Surrounding yourself with people who do validate your pain can reduce the sting of those who don’t.
5. Use DBT Skills to Manage Emotional Fallout
When invalidation triggers emotional pain, skills like Radical Acceptance and Wise Mind can help. Radical acceptance doesn’t mean approving of how you’re treated—it means acknowledging the reality of your situation so you can respond effectively, rather than staying stuck in frustration or resentment.
You might reflect:
“This is painful, and it’s real. I can’t control their beliefs, but I can control how I respond.”
6. Give Yourself Compassion
Being misunderstood by family can feel like a betrayal. Allow yourself to grieve what you hoped those relationships would be. Show yourself kindness in the way you would comfort a dear friend.
Final Thoughts
You deserve to be seen, heard, and supported in your journey with illness or pain. While we can’t always change how others respond, we can change how we care for ourselves—and that is incredibly powerful.
If you’re looking for more tools to manage emotional pain and build supportive connections, consider joining one of our online DBT or chronic pain groups . You don’t have to go through this alone.
By Dr Michelle Beukes-King
