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IN THIS LESSON
Introduction to “Walking the Middle Path” — For Parents
Parenting a teenager can feel like being caught in a tug-of-war — one moment you're told you're too strict, the next that you're not involved enough. You might be trying your best, and still feel like nothing you do is right.
This module, Walking the Middle Path, is about helping both teens and parents move out of that tug-of-war. It’s about finding a balanced way to respond — not too loose, not too controlling — not too reactive, not too withdrawn. We do this by learning to think and act dialectically.
What Is Dialectics?
Dialectics means holding two truths that seem opposite, and finding a way to accept both. For example:
“My teen is struggling AND trying their best.”
“I want to keep them safe AND I need to let them grow.”
Dialectics helps us move from either/or thinking to both/and thinking — and that shift can transform communication, relationships, and even conflict.
What Dialectics Teaches Us
Dialectical thinking is not just a mindset — it's a skill. Here's what it teaches:
Truth is not always black and white — There can be more than one perspective in any situation.
Change is constant — People (and emotions) are always shifting. Holding on tightly to “the way things should be” often creates more stress.
Opposites can both be true — Your teen can love you and be angry at you. You can set limits and be compassionate.
We grow through synthesis — A solution often lies in combining parts of each side rather than choosing one over the other.
How Can Parents Think and Act Dialectically?
Start by watching your own thinking. Ask:
“Am I stuck in black-and-white thinking?”
“Is there a way both of us can be ‘right’?”
“What’s missing in how I’m viewing this?”
Then try the following:
1. Validate and Guide
Instead of dismissing or fixing your teen’s feelings, start by acknowledging them:
“That makes sense you’d feel that way.”
Then shift to guidance:
“Can you tell me more so that we can find a solution together?”
2. Balance Independence and Involvement
Ask: “Where do they need space to grow?” AND “Where do they need structure to feel safe?”
3. Model Flexibility
When you shift your thinking or admit fault, you show your teen that change is possible. This is a powerful form of leadership.
Example in Action
Your teen misses curfew. You’re furious.
Instead of, “You’re grounded for a month!” or “Whatever, I give up,”
Try: “I’m upset you were late AND I’m open to hearing your side. We’ll figure out consequences together that make sense.”
Why This Matters
When parents start walking the middle path:
Conflict decreases.
Conversations deepen.
Teens feel both respected and guided.
You move from reacting to responding.
How Families Get Stuck in Extremes
Raising a teen is filled with high-stakes emotions, daily conflicts, and big developmental shifts. As parents, we often react quickly and emotionally — trying to protect, guide, or restore order. But sometimes, without realising it, we respond in extreme ways that can make things worse.
DBT teaches us that many of these extremes come from thinking mistakes — automatic thoughts that may feel true in the moment, but that lead us into black-and-white thinking and emotional reactivity.
Common Thinking Mistakes That Fuel Extremes
All-or-Nothing Thinking:
“If I don’t clamp down, they’ll walk all over me.”
“If I’m not calm and perfect, I’m a bad parent.”Catastrophising:
“If they fail this test, they’ll never get into college.”
“If I give an inch, they’ll take a mile.”Mind Reading:
“They don’t respect me.”
“They’re doing this just to get under my skin.”Emotional Reasoning:
“I feel helpless, so I must be a bad parent.”Labeling:
“They’re so manipulative.”
“I’m just too soft.”
When we get caught in these thought traps, our responses become rigid. We may clamp down harder, back away completely, or bounce between both. That’s where dialectical dilemmas show up.
Three Common Dialectical Dilemmas in Families
1. Being Too Strict vs. Being Too Loose
Too Strict: Over-controlling, excessive rules, little room for negotiation. Often leads to rebellion, secrecy, or shutdown.
Too Loose: Lack of structure or follow-through. Teens feel unsure, unsafe, or unchecked.
“If I don’t enforce every rule, they’ll fall apart.”
“They’ve been through so much — I don’t want to upset them more.”
Middle Path:
Clear expectations and room for negotiation.
Boundaries and flexibility.
Consistency and compassion
Try: “Let’s talk about the rule and how it’s working for both of us.”
2. Making Light of Problem Behaviours vs. Making Too Much of Normal Teen Behaviours
Making Light: Minimizing serious issues like self-harm, substance use, or emotional distress — often due to fear or avoidance.
Making Too Much: Reacting strongly to normal moodiness, mistakes, or independence-seeking — often out of anxiety or past trauma.
“They’re just being dramatic.”
“I can’t believe they spoke to me like that — they’re totally out of control.”
Middle Path: Respond to genuine risk behaviours calmly and seriously, and tolerate normal developmental bumps without panic.
Try: “I see this is tough for you — let’s figure out what’s really going on here.”
3. Forcing Independence vs. Fostering Dependence
Forcing Independence: Expecting teens to self-regulate or manage adult tasks without support. Leads to overwhelm, shutdown, or acting out.
Fostering Dependence: Doing too much for your teen, solving problems for them, or preventing struggle. Can lead to learned helplessness and low confidence.
“They need to grow up and take responsibility.”
“They’re just not ready — I have to step in.”
Middle Path: Coach your teen through independence with supportive scaffolding.
Give them challenges they can handle — and back them up when needed.
Try: “I believe you can try this — and I’m here to support you if you need help.”
What You Can Do
Notice extremes in your own reactions. Are you flipping between control and surrender?
Name your thinking traps. Ask: “Am I catastrophising?” “Am I seeing only one side?”
Pause and use the STOP skill.
Create “both-and” statements to guide your next steps:
“This is difficult AND I can still respond with love.”
“I need structure AND space for growth.”
Understanding Teen Behaviour: What’s Typical & What’s Concerning
Adolescence comes with major physical, emotional, and social changes. It's normal for teens to test limits, seek independence, and experience mood swings. But how can parents tell what's typical and what might be a red flag?
Below is a helpful comparison to guide your understanding.
Typical Adolescent Behaviour
- Occasional moodiness or irritability
- Wanting more privacy or time alone
- Questioning authority or pushing back on rules
- Strong interest in friends and social media
- Trying new styles, hobbies, or identities
- Fluctuations in academic motivation
- Occasional risk-taking (within limits)
Cause for Concern
- Persistent depression, sadness, or hopelessness
- Dramatic changes in sleep or eating patterns
- Self-harm or talk of wanting to die
- Isolation from all family and friends
- Sudden drop in grades or school refusal
- Extreme mood swings or rage outbursts
- Risky behaviors that endanger themselves or others
- Substance use or signs of addiction
- Expressions of feeling worthless or empty
What to Do if You're Concerned
- Stay calm and nonjudgmental
- Listen more than you speak
- Gently ask open-ended questions
- Consult a mental health professional if needed
- Trust your gut — you know your child
Remember: Some stormy weather is part of the teenage years — but when distress or behaviour seriously disrupts daily life, relationships, or safety, it’s okay to reach out for support.
Download the pdf below for work you can do this coming week to practice these skills.