Add a video
Let's begin
Introduction: Teaching Through Consequences — Extinction and Punishment in DBT
As we close out the Walking the Middle Path module, we shift our focus from increasing helpful behaviours to decreasing unhelpful ones.
This week, we introduce two important (and sometimes misunderstood) behaviour change tools:
Extinction – removing unintentional rewards for problem behaviours
Punishment – applying a fair, respectful consequence that helps reduce the behaviour
These are not about control, shame, or “cracking down.” In DBT, they are tools for teaching, boundary-setting, and creating space for change—all while staying calm, connected, and compassionate.
When used effectively, these strategies can reduce power struggles, build trust, and help teens learn what works in the real world.
Think of it this way:
Extinction says: “This behaviour isn’t getting the same attention it used to.”
Punishment says: “This behaviour has a consequence—but there’s a path back.”
Our goal is to set firm limits while still reinforcing what’s going well—always aiming for balance and growth.
In this session, we’ll explore:
What these skills are (and what they aren’t)
When and how to use them effectively
How to avoid common traps like intermittent reinforcement
Why following through with calm, consistent consequences matters
And how pairing consequences with encouragement builds stronger, more respectful relationships
What Is Extinction?
Extinction means removing the reward or attention that’s been keeping an unwanted behaviour going. Over time, the behaviour decreases because it’s no longer getting the “payoff” it used to.
Think of behaviour like a plant. What you water grows. Extinction is about stopping the watering.
In families, the most common unintentional reward is attention—even when it’s negative (arguing, nagging, pleading).
Reinforce an Alternative Behaviour
Extinction works best when we’re not just ignoring the problem, but actively reinforcing what we do want to see instead.
Example:
If your teen rolls their eyes every time you ask them to do something, you can:
Use extinction: Avoid reacting to the eye-roll.
Use reinforcement: Say thank you when they follow through calmly.
We want to shift our attention from the behaviour we don’t want to the behaviour we do want.
Ride Out the Behavioural Burst
This is the hard part.
When you start using extinction, the behaviour often gets worse before it gets better. This is called the Behavioural burst—a last-ditch effort by the teen to get the reaction they’re used to.
Examples:
The whining gets louder.
The argument escalates.
They try new ways to push your buttons.
This is a good sign. It means the old behaviour isn’t working—and they’re testing the system. Stay the course.
Don’t Use Intermittent Reinforcement
If you give in sometimes, the behaviour becomes even harder to stop. This is known as intermittent reinforcement, and it’s very powerful—it actually makes the behaviour more persistent.
Imagine a slot machine—you don’t win every time, but you keep pulling the lever because sometimes you do.
Giving in once teaches your teen: “If I just push long enough, I’ll get what I want.”
Tips for Effective Use of Extinction
Stay calm and neutral.
Don’t add eye rolls, lectures, or dramatic sighs. Let silence be your strategy.
Be consistent.
Agree in advance with other caregivers on how you’ll respond.
Reinforce what’s working.
Catch small positive behaviours and praise or thank them for those.
Use mindfulness.
Notice your own urges. It’s hard not to react—but reacting may be reinforcing.
Use extinction only for safe behaviours.
Never ignore dangerous, aggressive, or self-harming behaviour. Those require active intervention.
Example Script for Parents:
“When you raise your voice or swear, I’m going to pause the conversation and walk away. I’ll come back when we’re both calmer and ready to talk respectfully.”
Reflection Prompt:
What is one behaviour you’ve been accidentally reinforcing with attention? What might you do differently this week?
Punishment – Teaching Through Consequences
What Is Punishment in DBT?
In DBT, punishment simply means applying a consequence that reduces the chance of a behaviour happening again.
It’s not about being harsh, shaming, or punitive. It’s about using clear, consistent, and reasonable consequences to teach and guide behavior.
Punishment, when used skillfully, is a form of healthy boundary-setting.
It tells the teen: “This isn’t okay. Here’s what happens when you cross this line.”
How to Use Punishment Effectively
1. Start with a Clear Rule or Expectation
Teens can’t follow rules they didn’t know existed.
Example: “You need to check in with me by 10pm when you’re out.”
2. Reinforce Desired Behaviours—Before You Punish
Punishment should never be the only tool. In fact, it works best when paired with reinforcement of the opposite or replacement behavior.
“Thanks for letting me know where you were today. That helps me trust you.”
3. Be Specific, Proportionate, and Time-Limited
A good consequence:
Is related to the behaviour
Is short-term
Has a clear beginning and end
“Since you broke curfew, you won’t be going out this weekend. We’ll try again next Friday.”
The Power of a “Punishment Menu”
Having a mental list (or written family agreement) of possible, reasonable consequences can help reduce reactive parenting.
Common tools in the menu might include:
Loss of screen/device time
Pause on social outings
Extra chores
Earlier curfew
Cooling-off time between requests and privileges
The goal: Choose from the menu, don’t improvise from frustration.
Apply Consequences Quickly and Calmly
For a punishment to be effective:
It needs to follow the behavior as soon as possible
It should be delivered in a neutral tone
It should not escalate the conflict
“That language is not okay. You’ve lost your screen time for today.”
Pair Punishment With Reinforcement
Don't leave your teen stuck in the negative. Help them know how to earn back your trust or privileges.
“When you show me you can be respectful in three conversations, we’ll go back to regular privileges.”
This builds skills and gives them hope.
Natural Consequences Are Often the Best Teachers
Sometimes the world will provide the consequence—no need for extra punishment.
Examples:
Teen forgets lunch = they’re hungry
Teen misses homework = bad grade
Teen lies = others stop trusting them
What to do:
Stay compassionate
Don’t rush in to fix it
Let the consequence speak
“That sounds frustrating. What might you do differently next time?”
Reflection Prompt:
What is one behavior you’ve been punishing without first clearly explaining the expectation? What might you do differently next time?
Conclusion: Keep Walking the Path
Parenting a teenager is one of the most demanding—and courageous—roles there is. And when your teen is struggling, it can feel like you’re walking through fog without a map. If you’ve made it to this point in the module, please pause and take a moment to acknowledge yourself:
You’ve shown up. You’ve tried. You’ve kept going. And that matters.
I know that change is hard. Especially when you’re under stress, it’s easy to slip back into old habits—raising your voice, giving in, shutting down, or reacting in ways you wish you hadn’t. This is part of being human.
What matters most is not being perfect.
What matters is how you repair, reflect, and keep moving forward.
When you lose your way—and we all do—be kind to yourself.
Offer yourself the same compassion you’re learning to offer your teen.
Say sorry when you need to. Take a breath. Reset. And then, keep practicing the skills. Your efforts are planting seeds—even when you can’t see growth right away.
If there’s one thing I want you to remember, it’s this:
Don’t give up.
Even when it feels like there’s no hope.
Even when you think nothing is changing.
Even when it feels like too much.
Change takes time. Trust takes time. Healing takes time.
But you’ve already taken a brave step by learning, showing up, and trying to do things differently. That is something to be proud of.
And I’m proud of you.
So keep walking—one small step, one conversation, one skill at a time.
You’re not alone. You’re doing enough. Keep going.
If you would like to sign your teen up for the online DBT group please click on the link below to get in touch with me.