Lesson 2: Validation

Walking the Middle Path: Validation

Why Is Validation Important?

Validation plays a central role in building and maintaining healthy relationships, especially in families navigating emotional dysregulation. Here's why it's so crucial:

• It lowers emotional intensity: Validation helps reduce distress in the other person, which makes it more likely that they will stay in the conversation and engage constructively. This leads to clearer communication and makes problem-solving easier.

• It strengthens relationships: When people feel seen and understood, trust grows. This makes it more likely that conflicts can be resolved without escalation.

• It promotes emotional regulation: For teens especially, consistent validation teaches them that their emotions are understandable and manageable, which in turn improves their ability to regulate those emotions and reduces problematic behaviors.

• It breaks the cycle of invalidation: In many families, a history of emotional invalidation can lead to intense conflict and misunderstandings. Validation disrupts this pattern and helps create a more emotionally safe environment.

What Is Validation?

Validation is the act of recognizing and affirming that another person’s feelings, thoughts, or behaviours are understandable in a particular situation — even if you don’t necessarily agree with them. It communicates respect and empathy by acknowledging that there is a "kernel of truth" in the other person’s perspective.

In DBT, validation means:

“Communicating to another person that their feelings, thoughts, and actions make sense and are understandable in a particular situation” — not dismissing, judging, or minimizing what they feel.

This contrasts with invalidation, which communicates that the other person’s internal experience is wrong, exaggerated, or manipulative.

Why Should We Validate Each Other?

Beyond the core reasons we’ve already discussed — like reducing emotional intensity and improving relationships — validation is also a powerful way to show:

• We are really listening.
  It tells the other person, “You have my full attention.”

• We understand.
  Even if we don’t agree, we’re making an effort to understand their experience.

• We’re being non-judgmental.
  It means we’re not shaming, blaming, or criticizing — just noticing and acknowledging.

• We care about the relationship.
  Validation is an act of respect and connection — a way of saying “You matter to me.”

• We can disagree without having a big conflict.
  Validation doesn’t mean agreeing. It means acknowledging that someone’s emotions or point of view makes sense — from their perspective. This keeps the door open for dialogue instead of escalation.

Discussion Prompt:

• Can you think of a time when you felt invalidated?
  What was that like for you?

• Now, can you think of a time when you felt truly understood and validated?
  What made that moment different?

• How did the other person behave in each of those moments?

• How did it affect your behaviour in return?

What Can We Validate?

Validation isn’t about agreeing — it’s about understanding. You don’t need to agree with someone’s feelings, thoughts, or actions to recognize that they make sense given what the person is experiencing.

We can validate:

1. Feelings

Even if we don’t feel the same way, we can acknowledge that someone's emotions are real and valid.

• “You’re feeling really overwhelmed right now — that makes sense, this is a lot to handle.”

2. Thoughts

We can validate someone’s perspective, even if we see things differently.

• “I can see why you’d think that — from your point of view, it fits.”

3. Behaviours

Sometimes people behave in ways we don’t like or agree with — but we can still understand the emotion or belief that led to that behaviour.

• “Given how anxious you were, I can understand why you left the room.”

Important Reminder:

Validation is not agreement.
You can validate someone's inner experience without approving of their choices or actions.

Validation means:

• “I get it.”

• “I see where you’re coming from.”

• “That makes sense.”

It does not mean:

• “You’re right.”

• “I would do the same.”

• “I agree with your choices.”

How Do We Validate?

Validation is more than just saying the right words — it’s about how we listen, how we respond, and how we show up in the conversation.

Here are practical steps to help you validate effectively:

1. Actively listen

Put away distractions. Give your full attention. Let the person speak without interrupting.
Be present.

2. Make eye contact and stay focused

Your body language matters. Turn toward the person, nod occasionally, and show that you're engaged.

Nonverbal cues help people feel seen.

3. Be mindful of your reactions

Facial expressions, tone of voice, and body posture can all communicate judgment — even when you don’t mean to.
Avoid eye rolls, sighs, or sarcasm.

4. Observe what the other person is feeling

Notice tone of voice, posture, and word choices. Try to tune into the emotion underneath the words.
“They’re raising their voice — maybe they feel scared, not just angry.”

5. Label the feeling

Use words to name the emotion you observe.
“It sounds like you’re feeling hurt,” or “I can see how frustrated you are.”

6. Reflect back without judgment

Repeat back what you’re hearing, using a calm tone and open language.
“You felt like no one was listening, and that really upset you — that makes sense.”

7. Show tolerance and understanding

Stay calm and open, even when emotions run high.
Validation means holding space, not fixing or arguing.

8. Respond in a way that shows you’re taking them seriously

Acknowledge their emotional experience.
“I hear you. That does sound really hard.”

Important: You Can Validate the Emotion Without Approving the Behaviour

“I can understand why you got so angry.”

Is not the same as

“It’s okay that you hit your brother.”

This allows you to set limits and show empathy.

But What If I Don’t Understand?

That’s okay — you can still validate! Try saying:

• “I’m really trying to understand what this is like for you.”

• “I don’t fully get it, but I can see this really matters to you.”

• “Can you help me understand more?”

Validation starts with curiosity and care. You don’t have to have all the answers — you just have to be open to listening.

Validating Ourselves: Why It Matters

We often focus on getting validation from others — but learning to validate yourself is one of the most important skills you can build.

What Is Self-Validation?

Self-validation means:

• Recognising your own emotions, thoughts, and behaviors as understandable

• Acknowledging your experience without judging yourself

• Responding to yourself with compassion rather than criticism

Why Should We Validate Ourselves?

1. Builds emotional resilience

When we validate our own emotions, we’re less likely to become overwhelmed by them.
“It makes sense that I’m feeling this way — I’ve been under a lot of pressure.”

2. Reduces shame and self-criticism

Many people — especially teens — have an inner critic that says things like “You’re overreacting” or “You shouldn’t feel this way.”

Validation helps replace that with kindness and understanding.
“Anyone in my situation would be upset — I’m allowed to feel this.”

3. Helps us regulate emotions

When we feel understood — even by ourselves — we calm down faster and are better able to respond skillfully.
“Of course I’m anxious about the test — it’s a big deal to me.”

4. Reduces dependency on external validation

While it’s natural to want support from others, self-validation teaches us that we don’t need others to tell us our feelings are valid — we can do that for ourselves.

Examples of Self-Validating Statements

• “It’s okay to feel nervous — this is a new situation.”

• “My reaction makes sense, given what I’ve been through.”

• “It’s understandable that I feel sad right now.”

• “This is hard, and I’m doing my best.”