Why Self-Validation Matters More Than You Think

We all want to be seen, heard, and understood. That’s human. But what happens when the world doesn't give us that validation—when others don’t "get it," dismiss our feelings, or simply aren’t available? That’s where self-validation comes in. And it’s not just a feel-good phrase—it’s a vital DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skill that builds resilience, emotional balance, and a stronger sense of self.

What Is Self-Validation?

Self-validation means recognising your own thoughts, feelings, and experiences as real and important—even if others don’t. It’s about saying to yourself, “This makes sense,” or “It’s okay to feel this way,” rather than brushing off or judging your own emotions.

It's not about self-pity or letting yourself off the hook. It's about acknowledging where you are, so you can move forward with clarity and strength.

Why Is Self-Validation So Important?

Here’s why practicing self-validation is a so important:

1. It Builds Emotional Strength

When you validate yourself, you’re less dependent on others to feel okay. You stop chasing external approval and start building inner stability. This is especially empowering for when we are navigating intense emotions or when our relationship with others is stuck in reactive patterns.

2. It Calms Intense Emotions

Imagine this: You’re overwhelmed with sadness or frustration, and someone tells you to “calm down” or “stop overreacting.” That usually makes things worse, right? But if you say to yourself, “This is hard, and I’m allowed to feel upset,” it can take the edge off. Acknowledgment reduces intensity.

3. It Encourages Wise Choices

Validation is the first step toward change. In DBT, we say: “You have to accept where you are before you can choose a new direction.” Self-validation helps you stop fighting your reality—and instead, work with it.

4. It Breaks the Cycle of Self-Judgment

So many of us struggle with harsh inner critics. Self-validation interrupts that cycle. Instead of thinking, “I’m being ridiculous,” you can say, “This reaction makes sense given what I’ve been through.” That shift opens space for compassion and healing.

5. It Helps Us Communicate Better

When we practice self-validation, it’s easier to listen without defensiveness and respond with respect.

What Self-Validation Looks Like

• Naming your feeling: “I feel anxious right now.”

• Recognizing your experience: “Of course I feel overwhelmed—this is a lot to deal with.”

• Allowing your emotion: “It’s okay to be sad. I don’t have to hide it.”

• Connecting the dots: “This is reminding me of past experiences. No wonder I’m reacting strongly.”

A Skill Worth Practicing

Like all skills, self-validation takes practice. It might feel awkward at first—especially if you’re used to criticising yourself or brushing your feelings aside. But over time, it becomes a powerful tool for navigating life with more confidence and less reactivity.

You deserve to be heard—by others, yes, but especially by yourself.

By Dr Michelle Beukes-King