When Boundaries trigger a DARVO response

 When you live with chronic pain, boundaries protect more than just your time — they protect your energy, emotions, and dignity.

But what happens when the people around you don’t listen, guilt-trip you, or make you doubt yourself?

Psychologist Dr Ramani Durvasula calls these “high-conflict” personalities — people who push against your limits, leaving you emotionally drained.

Here are a few reminders I share with my groups:

1. It’s not you. Their reaction to your boundary isn’t your responsibility.
2. Internal boundaries first. Know your limits and give yourself permission to protect them.
3. Be brief and calm. Long explanations invite debate. A simple “I can’t do that today” is enough.
4. Expect pushback. Testing boundaries is part of the pattern — not proof you’re wrong.
5. Protect your peace, not the relationship. Boundaries are an act of self-care, not punishment.

Sometimes protecting your peace means lowering your expectations, not your worth.

When Boundaries Trigger DARVO

In our recent group, we spoke about recognising DARVO — a manipulative pattern that often shows up when you try to hold someone accountable or say “no.”

DARVO stands for:

• Deny – “I never said that.”

• Attack – “You’re overreacting.”

• Reverse Victim and Offender – “You’re the one being cruel to me!”

The goal is to confuse you, shift blame, and make you doubt your own experience.

Once you can recognise DARVO, remind yourself:
 “Oh right, this is DARVO.”

Then, the most powerful thing you can do is not pick up the rope.
If you don’t engage, the emotional tug-of-war won’t start.

We use the acronym DEEP to help remember what not to do:

• Don’t Defend

• Don’t Engage

• Don’t get Emotional

• Don’t take it Personally

Instead, stay grounded and brief. Keep a few neutral responses ready:

“Ok.”
“Thanks.”
“Noted.”
“Lovely.”
“Uh-huh.”

These short replies signal calm detachment and protect your energy — no debate, no drama, no drain.

 “You can’t change how they behave. But you can change what you allow.” — Dr Ramani Durvasula

By Dr Michelle Beukes-King