Why We Need to Learn Emotion Regulation Skills as Adults

Many of us arrive in adulthood without the emotional toolkit we actually need to navigate life. And it’s not because we’ve failed—it's because we were never taught.

If you grew up in an environment where your emotions were routinely dismissed or invalidated, you’ll know how confusing feelings can be. Maybe you were told:

“Why are you being so sensitive?”
“Stop crying, it’s not a big deal.”
“You're just being dramatic.”

Over time, you may have learned to ignore your feelings, push them down, or question whether they were even real. You might have come to believe that emotions were something to hide, fix, or feel ashamed about.

Or maybe your emotions were only ever acknowledged when they were loud—when you were yelling, crying, or breaking down. And so you learned, without meaning to, that the only way to be seen or heard was through emotional outbursts.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. These are the kinds of patterns that many of us carry into adulthood—and they’re the reason why emotion regulation isn’t just a helpful skill; it’s an essential one.

So what is emotion regulation?

Emotion regulation is the ability to understand, manage, and respond to our emotions in ways that are helpful—not harmful.

It doesn’t mean shutting off your feelings.
It doesn’t mean becoming robotic or “zen” all the time.
It means learning to ride the emotional waves without getting pulled under by them.

Why didn’t we learn this sooner?

Emotional skills—like naming what we feel, calming ourselves down, or setting boundaries—aren’t always taught in childhood. And if your caregivers didn’t know how to regulate their emotions, chances are they couldn’t teach you how to regulate yours.

Instead, many of us learned to:

• bottle up our feelings until we exploded

• please others at the expense of our own needs

• use anger as the only “safe” emotion

• numb out, withdraw, or avoid

• feel ashamed of being “too much”

These are not signs of weakness. They are signs of survival.

But now that we’re adults, survival mode doesn’t have to be our only mode. We can learn new ways.

Think of emotions like the weather

Emotions are like the weather—they can change quickly, sometimes without warning. Some days are sunny and light; others are stormy, heavy, or completely overwhelming.

We can’t control the weather. But we can prepare for it.

Learning emotion regulation skills is like gathering the tools you need for different weather conditions:

• Mindfulness is your umbrella—it helps you notice what’s happening in the moment, without judgment.

• Distress tolerance is your scarf and gloves—keeping you grounded when the winds pick up.

• Emotion regulation is your raincoat and boots—protecting you and helping you move through the storm.

These skills don’t stop emotions from happening—but they do help you manage your response with more intention, grace, and self-respect.

Learning as an adult is powerful

It’s never too late to learn how to care for your emotions. In fact, doing this work as an adult is incredibly brave. You are interrupting patterns, healing old wounds, and building something new—not just for yourself, but possibly for the people around you too.

You’re not “behind.”
You’re not “too emotional.”
You’re not broken.

You’re learning what you were never taught. And that is something to be proud of.

Want to start learning emotion regulation skills in a supportive, practical way?
[Explore our DBT-based programs here.]

By Dr Michelle Beukes-King

#EmotionalSkills #EmotionRegulation #HealingInAdulthood #DBTskills #TraumaRecovery #BreakingTheCycle #SelfCompassion #YouCanLearnThis #MentalHealthTools