Getting Strong-Willed Kids out of Bed
Strong-willed kids are not being difficult for the sake of it. They often have:
A high need for autonomy (“You can’t make me”)
Sensory or emotional sensitivity when transitioning (especially mornings)
Difficulty shifting from one task to another when they’re tired, stressed, or overwhelmed
A deep sense of fairness — they resist when something feels imposed
When parents use shouting, it works only because it overrides those systems through fear or urgency. But it damages connection, and it doesn’t build skills.
Here’s what does work.
1. Shift the Fight From “Power” to “Process”
Instead of trying to “make him get out of bed,” which becomes a power struggle, try:
Offer limited choices:
“Would you like to get up in 2 minutes or 5 minutes?”
“Do you want me to open the curtains now or when you’re standing up?”
“Are you getting up on the left side or the right side of the bed?”
This gives him a sense of agency, which neutralises willfulness.
Choice = structured independence.
It calms nervous systems and avoids escalation.
2. Use the “When–Then” Method
Instead of negotiating, shouting, or repeating yourself:
“When you are out of bed, then we can…”
“When you’re up, then breakfast will be warm for you.”
“When you’re up, then you can choose the playlist for the drive.”
“When you’re up, then Wi-Fi goes on.”
This separates your calm boundary from his choices.
3. Don’t Start the Day at a Run
Morning willfulness is often about:
sensory overload
anxiety about the day ahead
sleep debt
transitions
Try this:
Lights on softly
Calm, predictable routine
No talking for the first 3 minutes except a warm “Good morning, love. It’s time to get up.”
Predictability removes negotiation.
4. Reduce the Number of Instructions
Children tune adults out when instructions come rapid-fire.
Use the single instruction rule:
Get his attention (eye level)
Short, neutral instruction
“It’s time to get up.”Walk away
No repeating. No negotiating.
If needed, return once and use:
“I can see it’s hard to get up today. I’m going to help you start.”
Then assist gently — pulling the blankets back, opening the curtains.
This is not “giving in.”
It’s regulating the system so he can move.
5. Use Connection First, Instruction Second
If he wakes up already overwhelmed or dysregulated, no instruction will work.
Try:
Sit on the edge of the bed
Hand on his back (if he tolerates touch)
Say something simple:
“Rough morning? I’m here. Let’s do this together.”
Connection lowers resistance and decreases the dopamine-seeking battle.
6. Avoid Lecturing in the Heat of the Moment
Strong-willed kids collapse when lectured:
They feel controlled
They feel misunderstood
They shut down or push back
Keep it to 1–2 sentences.
Then talk later in the day.
7. Agree on a Calm Plan for Mornings When No One Is Upset
This is key.
Sit down together after school or on the weekend.
Say something like:
“Mornings are hard for you. We want to help you feel more in control. Let’s make a plan together so mornings feel easier.”
Ask:
“What helps you get up faster?”
“What makes mornings harder?”
“Do you want music? A countdown? A cuddle? Curtains open or closed?”
When kids co-design the routine, they cooperate because it feels like their plan, not ours.
8. Regulate Your Nervous Systems First
If you gets frustrated, your tone alone can trigger willfulness.
Consider a quick anchoring step:
One deep breath
Step out of the room for 10 seconds
Return calm, brief, steady
Children follow tone more than words.
9. Prevent the Morning Meltdown the Night Before
Quick wins:
Clothes laid out
Bag packed
Early bedtime enforced
Lights out, screens off early
Pre-sleep connection (chat, reading)
A calmer nervous system = less morning fight.
10. Avoid the Trap: “He only listens when I shout”
This is not because shouting works better.
It’s because shouting cuts through:
the sensory fog
the emotional overwhelm
the dopamine-driven resistance
But it leaves:
shame
anxiety
resentment
damage to connection
And over time, kids become desensitised — you have to shout louder and more often.
The goal is consistency, not intensity.
By Dr Michelle Beukes-King
