Emotion regulation skills
Sometimes our emotions feel so strong that they seem to take over completely. But not all emotions are “just right” for the situation. They can be too intense, last too long, or even be based on assumptions rather than facts.
DBT teaches that one of the first ways to change emotions is to Check the Facts.
Introduction
Changing Emotional Responses: What’s Ahead
Over the next few weeks, we’ll be learning skills that help us shift our emotions when they don’t fit the facts or when they’re more intense than we’d like.
These skills don’t mean we “get rid” of emotions — emotions are part of being human. But they do give us tools to change the way emotions show up, how long they last, and how much control they have over us.
Here’s what we’ll cover:
Checking the Facts
Sometimes emotions are based on assumptions, fears, or old patterns rather than what’s actually happening.
This skill helps us slow down and ask: Does my emotion fit the facts?
Opposite Action
Once we know if an emotion doesn’t fit the facts, we can choose to act opposite to the emotion’s urge.
Example: If anxiety says “avoid,” opposite action might be to gently approach.
Problem Solving
If the emotion does fit the facts, sometimes the best way to reduce distress is to change the situation itself.
Problem solving gives us a step-by-step way to do that.
The “Yes, But” Barrier
Even when we know what might help, our minds sometimes throw up roadblocks: “Yes, but I can’t do that…”
We’ll look at how to notice and move through these barriers.
Big Picture: These skills work together. First we check if the emotion makes sense, then we either act opposite, problem solve, or work through barriers. Over the next few weeks, you’ll practice each one so you can add them to your emotional toolkit.
Why It’s Important to Check the Facts
1. Thoughts and Interpretations (instead of facts) can set off painful emotions.
a) Beliefs about reality can cause powerful emotions
Example: If we believe our loved one died in a car accident, we feel grief even if it isn’t true.
Chronic pain example:
Belief: “This pain flare means my condition is getting worse.”
Fact: Pain naturally fluctuates; a flare does not always equal permanent damage.
Emotion: Panic, hopelessness → when actually the flare may pass with pacing and coping tools.
b) Faulty beliefs about what we think we need can lead to emotional misery
Belief: “Only medication can control my pain.” → leads to despair when meds don’t fully work.
Alternative fact: “Medication helps, but I also need pacing, movement, and self-management skills.”
Other chronic pain examples:
Belief: “I need to push through no matter what” → leads to burnout and crashes.
Fact: “Pacing myself prevents bigger setbacks.”
Belief: “If I rest today, it means I’m weak.”
Fact: “Rest is part of healing and helps me function longer term.”
c) Faulty beliefs about events can cause new problems
Example given: “I don’t have pain right now, so I won’t exercise” (but movement is important with chronic pain).
Other chronic pain examples:
Belief: “Because I had a pain flare after walking once, walking must always be dangerous.”
Fact: A single flare doesn’t mean all movement is harmful; gentle, paced walking may still help.
Belief: “I feel better today, so I’ll do everything at once.”
Fact: Overdoing can cause setbacks; pacing keeps progress steady.
d) Thinking in absolutes can set off extreme emotions
Example given: “I am a burden to my family” vs “I need extra help right now.”
Other chronic pain examples:
Belief: “I’ll never get better.”
Fact: While chronic pain may not go away completely, many people learn to manage it and improve quality of life.
Belief: “Because I can’t work full-time, I’m useless.”
Fact: My value is not only in work; I contribute in other meaningful ways.
Belief: “If I can’t do things exactly as before, there’s no point.”
Fact: Life can still hold meaning and joy, even if I do things differently.
Key message: When we confuse thoughts or beliefs with facts, emotions can spiral into hopelessness, fear, or shame. Checking the facts helps us respond to reality as it is — not as our assumptions make it seem.
2. Emotions Shape How We Interpret Events
Our emotions act like filters on our glasses. They don’t just affect how we feel — they also affect what we notice, how we interpret, and how we react.
When moods are intense, they can:
Pull up certain memories more easily (when we’re sad, we recall other sad times).
Shape our interpretation of what’s happening (a look from someone can mean “they’re mad at me” if we’re anxious, but “they’re distracted” if we’re calm).
Colour our perceptions of situations (is the puppy barking cute or annoying?).
Chronic Pain Examples
When in a flare and exhausted:
A loved one saying, “Let’s go for a short walk” might feel like criticism (“They don’t understand how bad I feel”).
When in a calmer, hopeful state:
The same suggestion might feel like support (“They want to help me stay active”).
When angry or frustrated with pain:
A cancelled social plan might feel like rejection.
When in a neutral or positive mood:
The same cancellation might feel like understandable life circumstances.
When anxious:
Waiting for test results feels unbearable and full of worst-case scenarios.
When grounded and steady:
Waiting feels uncomfortable, but tolerable, with room to remind yourself “I don’t know the outcome yet.”
3. Believing Our Thoughts Are Absolute
Sometimes we hold on to our thoughts as if they are the only truth. When this happens, emotions can become extreme, relationships can suffer, and we close ourselves off to new perspectives.
Why This Matters
No one has the absolute truth. Each of us sees only part of the picture.
Clinging to “absolute truth” leads to conflict. This can damage relationships and even escalate into larger conflicts.
Different opinions can both be valid. Two people can experience the same situation in different ways — and both perspectives matter.
There is always more than one way. More than one interpretation, more than one solution, more than one “truth.”
Opposites can both be true. (E.g., “I am in pain” and “I can still have moments of joy.”)
Truth evolves. What feels certain today may shift as we grow, heal, and learn more.
Chronic Pain Examples
Absolute thought: “If I can’t work like I used to, I’m useless.”
Alternative truth: “My value is more than my work. I contribute in different ways now.”
Absolute thought: “If someone says ‘it’s not that bad,’ they don’t care about me.”
Alternative truth: “They may not understand my pain fully and still care about me deeply.”
Absolute thought: “I will never feel joy again because of this pain.”
Alternative truth: “Pain is part of my life and I can still find joy in moments.”
Key idea: When we let go of the need to hold the “absolute truth,” we open space for flexibility, compassion, and balance.
4. Knowing the Facts is Essential for Solving Problems
When we don’t have all the facts, or when our beliefs are inaccurate, problem-solving becomes harder and can even make things worse.
Chronic Pain Examples
Belief: “If I avoid all movement, I’ll protect myself.”
Fact: Avoidance can lead to more stiffness, weakness, and pain over time. Knowing the facts about pacing and gentle activity helps solve the problem more effectively.
Belief: “If I just take more pain medication, I’ll be fine.”
Fact: Over-relying on medication can increase side effects without solving the underlying problem. Adding self-management tools like pacing, mindfulness, and movement creates better solutions.
Belief: “Nobody believes my pain is real.”
Fact: Some people may not understand, but there are supportive professionals, communities, and loved ones who do validate and help. Recognising this fact can shift hopelessness toward connection.
5. Examining Thoughts & Checking the Facts Can Change Emotions
When our emotions come from faulty information, correcting the facts can change how we feel.
Chronic Pain Examples
Incorrect fact: “This pain means my body is being permanently damaged.”
Correct fact: Pain can flare without meaning new damage.
Emotional shift: From panic to cautious acceptance.
Incorrect fact: “Because I had a flare after exercise once, exercise always makes me worse.”
Correct fact: Gentle, paced exercise can actually improve pain over time.
Emotional shift: From avoidance to cautious willingness.
Incorrect fact: “I am completely alone in this.”
Correct fact: Others live with chronic pain too, and support is available.
Emotional shift: From isolation to a sense of belonging.
Key Message: Facts don’t take away pain, but they help us see more clearly, solve problems better, and ease emotions that come from assumptions.
How to Check the Facts
6 Steps
Step 1: Ask — What is the emotion I want to change?
You can’t change an emotion if you don’t know what it is. Naming it clearly is the first step.
Different emotions come with different “action urges.”
Facts might fit one emotion but not another — so identifying the correct emotion matters.
Remember: You’ve already practiced observing, describing, and naming emotions in previous weeks — now you’re going to use those skills here!
Example
Situation: You notice your pain has flared up in the afternoon.
Emotion #1 (first guess): Anger → “This isn’t fair, I can’t stand this.”
Emotion #2 (after reflection): Fear → “What if the pain never goes away?”
Why it matters: The facts that fit anger are not the same as the facts that fit fear. If you mix them up, your response won’t work as well.
Key Takeaway: Before you check the facts, you need to know which emotion’s facts you’re checking.
Step 2: Ask — What is the event prompting my emotions?
Once you’ve named the emotion, the next step is to identify what set it off.
Describe the prompting event in terms of observable facts.
Facts are what you can see, hear, or touch.
Leave out judgments, extremes, or black-and-white thinking.
Try for a balanced, clear description — this often softens the intensity of emotions.
Types of Prompting Events
External events – Something that happened outside of you.
Example: “My friend cancelled our plans.”
Internal events – An emotion, thought, or inability.
Example: “I felt afraid, then I got angry at myself for being afraid.”
Example: “I felt guilty for saying no and setting a boundary.”
Example: “I felt ashamed for not having the energy to make supper.”
Our own actions – Sometimes what we do elicits emotions.
Example: “I snapped at my partner, then felt regret.”
Chronic Pain Example
Judgmental description: “I was lazy and useless today. I did nothing.”
Fact-based description: “My pain was high today. I lay down for 3 hours and was unable to cook supper.”
Impact: The first description triggers shame and self-criticism. The second simply states what happened, making space for problem-solving and self-compassion.
Why It’s Tricky
Often, our mental description of the event — full of judgments or absolutes — becomes the real prompting event.
Example:
Fact: “I didn’t cook supper.”
Thought: “I’m a terrible parent/partner.”
Prompting event for shame: the thought, not the event itself.
Key takeaway: Your description of an event can either intensify suffering or create space for balance. Facts reduce emotional reactivity; judgments inflame it.
Step 3: Ask — What are my interpretations, thoughts, and assumptions about the event?
We don’t just respond to what we observe. We often add stories, judgments, and predictions — and then react to those instead of the facts.
Key skill: Notice your interpretations and consider other possible explanations, especially more benign or balanced ones.
Chronic Pain Examples
Anger
Fact: My doctor ended the appointment quickly.
Interpretation: “They don’t care about me.”
Alternative interpretations:
They may have been running late.
They may trust me to manage well between visits.
They might plan to follow up in writing.
Envy
Fact: I saw a friend running in the park.
Interpretation: “Everyone else gets to live a normal life except me.”
Alternative interpretations:
My friend may also be struggling with things I can’t see.
I have other strengths and joys they may not have.
Movement looks different for everyone, but we all adapt.
Fear
Fact: My pain flared up suddenly.
Interpretation: “This means I’m getting worse.”
Alternative interpretations:
Pain naturally fluctuates and can flare without damage.
This may just be a temporary spike.
My body has managed flares before, and I have coping tools.
Happiness
Fact: I managed to go out with friends.
Interpretation: “Maybe my pain is finally gone for good!”
Alternative interpretations:
I had a good day today — and I can celebrate that.
This doesn’t mean pain will never return, but it shows that good days are possible.
I can build on this success with pacing.
Shame
Fact: I needed help cooking dinner.
Interpretation: “I’m a burden.”
Alternative interpretations:
Everyone needs help sometimes.
Accepting support is a strength, not a weakness.
My worth is not measured by whether I can cook.
Guilt
Fact: I said no to a social invitation.
Interpretation: “I’m letting everyone down.”
Alternative interpretations:
Saying no is taking care of my health.
Friends who care about me understand limits.
I can connect with them another time.
Key takeaway: Your first thought is not always the only truth. Exploring different interpretations can soften painful emotions and open new ways of responding.
Step 4: Ask – Am I assuming a threat?
Sometimes our emotions are intensified because we are imagining a threat. Often this happens automatically, without us even realizing it. The brain quickly jumps to “danger!” even when the actual threat may be small, uncertain, or not present at all.
Practice:
Pause and notice: Am I assuming something bad is about to happen?
If yes, label the threat clearly. Naming it helps separate fact from imagination.
Types of threats linked to emotions:
Anger → threat of being attacked, blocked from an important goal.
Disgust → threat of being contaminated, dirtied, or made unclean.
Fear → threat of danger to life, health, or well-being.
Sadness → threat of permanent loss or failure to reach a goal.
Shame → threat of being rejected, excluded, or “kicked out” of the group.
Guilt → threat of violating your own values or morals.
Jealousy → threat of losing a valued person or thing to someone else.
Envy → threat of not getting what is wanted because others seem to have more power, influence, or resources.
Step 4(b): Evaluate the Chances That the Threatening Event Will Really Occur
When we feel strong emotions, our mind often exaggerates the chance of something bad happening. In Emotion Mind, threats feel certain. In Wise Mind, we can pause and ask:
How likely is this really?
What evidence do I have?
Has this happened before? If yes, did it always turn out badly?
Are there other possible outcomes?
Often what seems threatening at first glance is not so threatening once we think about it carefully.
Chronic Pain–Related Examples
Fear: “I’ll never be able to get out of bed again.”
Wise Mind: Most flares pass. I’ve had bad days before, and they eased. It feels 100% likely now, but realistically it’s closer to 20–30%.
Anger: “My doctor won’t help me at all.”
Wise Mind: Some doctors have dismissed me, but not all. I can try another appointment, ask different questions, or seek another opinion.
Shame: “Everyone thinks I’m lazy.”
Wise Mind: Some people may misunderstand, but others (family, friends, support groups) know I’m doing my best. It’s unlikely that everyone thinks this.
Sadness: “I’ll never be able to do the things I love again.”
Wise Mind: I may need to do them differently, or at a slower pace, but there are ways I’ve adapted before. It’s not all-or-nothing.
Envy: “Everyone else has a normal life but me.”
Wise Mind: It looks that way on the outside, but everyone struggles with something. My challenges are different, not unique.
This step helps you pull back from catastrophic thinking and find a more balanced perspective.
Step 4(c): Think of Other Possible Outcomes
When emotions run high, the mind often jumps to the worst-case scenario. This can make the threat feel overwhelming and certain. One powerful way to step back is to imagine other possible outcomes.
The simple act of generating alternatives shows your brain that there is more than one way the future could unfold. Even if the feared outcome still feels possible, you strengthen your belief that other outcomes are also possible.
Chronic Pain Example
Feared Outcome (Emotion Mind):
“My pain flare means I’ll never get better, and my life will keep shrinking.”
Other Possible Outcomes (Wise Mind):
This flare could settle in a few days, like many of my past flares.
I might find a new treatment or therapy that gives me more relief.
I could learn better pacing and coping strategies that allow me to do more, even with pain.
The pain might stay the same, but I could build a life worth living around it.
My doctors and I might find small adjustments (medication, movement, sleep) that gradually improve my quality of life.
Even if the feared outcome is still on the list, it’s no longer the only possibility. That shift reduces the intensity of the emotion and gives space for hope, problem-solving, and self-compassion.
Step 5: Ask – What Is the Catastrophe?
Sometimes our emotions spiral because we imagine the very worst outcome and get stuck there. This is called catastrophising.
Catastrophising = exaggerating the negative aspects of the facts and focusing only on the worst possible outcome.
Example thoughts:
“It’s terrible and it will never get better.”
“This pain means I’m going to die.”
Catastrophising doesn’t just affect your thoughts — it impacts your body too. Panic can:
Constrict blood vessels
Cause muscle tension
Increase pain intensity
Lower mood and hope
Step 5(a): If the Worst Outcome Occurs, What Are the Realistic Consequences?
Sometimes, the facts are difficult and painful — and we don’t want to dismiss that. But often, the “worst case” is not as extreme or permanent as our mind imagines.
Example (Chronic Pain):
Catastrophic Thought: “This flare means my pain will keep getting worse forever and I’ll never enjoy life again.”
Realistic Consequence: “This flare is painful, but it may last days or weeks — not forever. I may need extra rest, adjustments in treatment, or help from others, but I have survived flares before.”
Step 5(b): Imagine Coping Well with Catastrophes
Even if something very hard does happen, you can still cope. Imagining yourself coping effectively reduces fear and increases resilience.
DBT Skills You Can Use:
Problem Solving: Break down the situation into steps and focus on what you can do.
Cope Ahead: Mentally rehearse how you would handle the worst-case scenario.
Radical Acceptance: Accept the reality fully, even when painful, so you don’t add extra suffering by fighting what can’t be changed.
Example:
Catastrophe: “What if my pain gets so bad that I can’t work anymore?”
Coping Ahead Response: “If that happens, I will apply for disability support, adjust my routines, and focus on activities that bring meaning. I can still build connection and purpose even if work changes.”
Radical Acceptance Response: “I may not control the pain itself, but I can choose how I respond to it.”
Practicing Step 5 teaches you that even when life brings difficult realities, they are not helpless — they can cope, adapt, and still live a life with meaning.
Step 6: Ask – Does My Emotion and/or Intensity Fit the Facts?
Emotions evolved to help us respond effectively to real problems. When an emotion fits the facts, it motivates helpful action.
But sometimes the intensity of the emotion is out of proportion, or the emotion doesn’t fit the situation at all. These often show up as “middle-of-the-night thinking” — worries and catastrophes that feel overwhelming at 2am.
You can call them your MOTHs 🦋 (Middle-Of-the-night THoughts).
When you notice a MOTH, you can say: “Ah, this is a MOTH. I don’t need to chase it now. I’ll wait until morning, when I can look at it with Wise Mind.”
Examples of When Emotions Fit the Facts
Fear → Fits the facts when there is a real threat to your health or safety.
Example: Feeling fear when crossing a busy road with fast-moving cars.Anger → Fits the facts when an important goal is blocked or your rights are being violated.
Example: Feeling angry when a doctor dismisses your pain without listening.Disgust → Fits the facts when you encounter something truly contaminated or harmful.
Example: Feeling disgusted when spoiled food smells rotten.Sadness → Fits the facts when you lose something or someone important.
Example: Feeling sadness when you can no longer do a beloved activity because of pain.Shame → Fits the facts when you have acted against your own values in a way that risks rejection.
Example: Feeling shame after yelling at a friend and worrying it will damage the relationship.Guilt → Fits the facts when you have harmed someone and your values say you should make amends.
Example: Feeling guilt for cancelling plans last-minute without letting a friend know.Envy → Fits the facts when others really do have something you want but don’t currently have.
Example: Feeling envy when friends go hiking while you’re in too much pain to join.Love → Fits the facts when you are connected to and value someone or something.
Example: Feeling love when your child brings you comfort during a pain flare.
This step helps you begin to sort real, fact-based emotions from MOTHs. Naming the difference reduces reactivity and builds self-trust.
Additional resources
“The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. ”