Distress tolerance skills
Introduction to Radical Acceptance
1. What Are the Goals of Radical Acceptance?
Radical acceptance serves several key goals:
Reduce suffering: Fighting reality often intensifies emotional pain. Acceptance helps us stop adding to our pain by resisting what is.
Increase your sense of freedom: Letting go of what you can’t control can bring emotional relief and clarity.
Increase effectiveness: When you stop arguing with reality, you can respond wisely to the situation as it is.
Make change possible: You can only change what you first acknowledge.
“The path out of hell is through misery.”
2. The Six Radical Acceptance Skills
These are practical tools to help people move from resistance to acceptance:
Radical Acceptance – Full, wholehearted acknowledgment of reality.
Turning the Mind – Recommitting to acceptance over and over when the mind resists.
Willingness – Letting go of willfulness; doing what is needed in the moment, even if it’s hard.
Half-Smiling – Using a soft facial expression to influence emotional experience.
Willing Hands – Adopting an open physical posture to encourage psychological openness.
Allowing the Mind / Mindfulness of Current Thoughts – Observing thoughts without judgment or attachment.
3. What Is Radical Acceptance?
Definition
Radical acceptance is about acknowledging reality exactly as it is—without denying, avoiding, or fighting it. It doesn’t mean approval, resignation, or giving up. It means recognizing that what is, is.
Radical Acceptance is:
Total acceptance—with your mind, heart, and body.
Letting go of bitterness, blame, or “it shouldn’t be this way.”
Accepting the facts, not judgments, assumptions, or distorted beliefs.
Allowing yourself to feel the grief, sadness, or pain that comes with the truth.
“Despair, guilt, shame, and resentment are all failures of radical acceptance—they’re often rooted in distorted facts.”
Four Things to Accept:
Reality is what it is.
You must accept what has happened (not what you wish had happened).
Rejecting reality intensifies suffering.
There are limits on the future.
These can be caused by biology, environment, or your own past actions.
Accepting limitations helps you set realistic goals and reduces unnecessary suffering.
Everything has a cause.
Even if you don’t know why something happened, you can accept that there is a reason.
“Why me?” becomes “This happened, and it has a cause.”
Life can be worth living even with pain.
Pain is part of the human experience.
Suppressing all desires or needing life to be perfect only increases suffering.
Common Misunderstandings
“If I accept it, it means I approve.”
→ No. Acceptance is not approval. It’s acknowledgment.“If I radically accept, I’ll stop trying to change things.”
→ Change starts with acceptance. Denial stalls action.
When Should You Use Radical Acceptance Skills?
When you’re experiencing intense emotions over facts you cannot change.
When you're resisting a painful reality, and it’s making things worse.
When you’re stuck in the loop of “why me?” or “it shouldn’t be this way.”
Time to get out your journals. Use the journal prompt below to explore your thoughts about radical acceptance right now.
What Radical Acceptance Is Not
While radical acceptance is a powerful tool, it’s often misunderstood.
1. It’s not approval or agreement
Accepting reality does not mean you approve of what happened or that it was okay.
You can accept that something happened and still believe it was unfair, unjust, or harmful.
Example: You can accept that you were mistreated in a relationship without saying the mistreatment was acceptable.
2. It’s not giving up
Radical acceptance is not resignation, defeat, or passivity.
It doesn’t mean you stop trying to change the future—it means you stop fighting the past or present reality that can’t be undone.
Example: Accepting a medical diagnosis doesn’t mean you give up on treatment—it means you face the truth so you can respond wisely.
3. It’s not suppressing emotions
Acceptance is not the same as shutting down your feelings.
Radical acceptance often brings up grief, sadness, or anger—and that’s okay.
These emotions are part of coming to terms with what’s real.
Example: Accepting the loss of a loved one doesn’t mean you feel nothing. It means you allow yourself to feel the pain and process it.
4. It’s not accepting distorted or irrational beliefs
Radical acceptance applies to factual reality, not to catastrophic thinking, generalisations, or imagined futures.
You don't have to accept untrue thoughts like “nobody will ever love me” or “my life is ruined.”
Example: Accepting that a job was lost is different from accepting the thought “I’ll never succeed again.”
5. It’s not a one-time decision
Radical acceptance is often a practice, not a moment.
You may have to “turn the mind” toward acceptance over and over again, especially when the pain resurfaces.
Example: You might need to re-accept the end of a relationship each time the grief re-emerges.
Factors that Interfere with Radical Acceptance
Even when we understand what radical acceptance is, putting it into practice can feel nearly impossible. Many people find themselves stuck in suffering because they’re blocked by internal or external barriers. Here are the most common ones:
1. Believing that acceptance means approval
People often resist acceptance because they fear it’s the same as saying what happened was okay.
This misunderstanding can lead to anger, guilt, or shame, especially when others have wronged us.
Reframe: “I can accept that this happened without agreeing that it was right.”
2. Clinging to ‘shoulds’ and ‘musts’
Thinking “this shouldn’t have happened” or “it must be different” is a form of denial or protest against reality.
These thoughts come from perfectionism, control, or moral outrage, and they trap us in suffering.
Try instead: “I wish this hadn’t happened—but it did.”
3. Avoiding painful emotions
Accepting reality often brings up grief, fear, or sadness—so we avoid it.
But avoiding these emotions keeps us from healing.
Tip: Recognise that painful emotions are part of the acceptance process, not a sign of failure.
4. Unrealistic expectations of control
We may believe we can still undo or prevent something if we try hard enough.
This illusion of control keeps us fighting the past or denying the present.
Practice: “What’s in my control right now? What’s not?”
5. Holding on to resentment or blame
Sometimes we resist acceptance because it feels like we’re “letting someone off the hook.”
But holding onto anger often punishes us more than the other person.
Reflection: Who suffers more from my refusal to let go—me or them?
6. Difficulty tolerating ambiguity or not knowing ‘why’
We want to understand the cause, to make sense of what happened.
But sometimes, we won’t get all the answers—and acceptance means being okay with that.
Mantra: “Even if I don’t know why, I know that it happened.”
7. Distorted thoughts about the future
Catastrophic or hopeless thoughts like “I’ll never be happy again” can block acceptance.
But these are not facts—they are guesses or fears.
Challenge them: What is the actual probability? Are there exceptions?
Guided Reflection: Exploring What Gets in the Way of Acceptance
Begin by sitting comfortably. If you feel safe, close your eyes or soften your gaze. Take a few slow, deep breaths—in through your nose, and out through your mouth.
Step 1: Notice What You're Resisting
Bring to mind something in your life that’s difficult to accept right now.
It might be a recent event, a painful memory, or an ongoing situation.
Let yourself gently name it: What is the reality I’m struggling to accept?
(Pause)
Step 2: Feel the Resistance
What emotions come up when you think about accepting this reality?
Anger?
Sadness?
Fear?
Guilt?
Where do you feel these emotions in your body?
(Pause)
Step 3: Name the Interference
What thoughts or beliefs make acceptance hard?
“It shouldn’t be this way”?
“I can’t forgive them”?
“If I accept it, it means I’m weak”?
Can you notice if you're holding on to blame, or clinging to control?
(Pause)
Step 4: Reflect with Compassion
What might happen if you started to let go—even just a little?
Could acceptance bring peace, even if the situation doesn’t change?
(Pause)
Close the reflection by taking one more deep breath. If your eyes are closed, gently open them when you're ready.
Journal prompt…
“What is one thought, emotion, or belief that makes it hard for me to practice radical acceptance?”
“If I accepted this part of my life, what might shift inside me?”
Practicing Radical Acceptance: Step by Step
Radical acceptance is not just a concept—it’s a skill. And like any skill, it takes practice. The following 10 steps provide a clear process for moving from resistance and suffering toward peace and clarity.
10 Steps to Practicing Radical Acceptance
Step 1: Observe that you are questioning or fighting reality
Notice your mental “no.”
Are you saying things like “This shouldn’t be happening,” or “It’s not fair”?
This is the first sign you’re in resistance, not acceptance.
Ask yourself: What reality am I refusing to acknowledge?
Step 2: Remind yourself that reality is what it is
Whether we like it or not, the facts are the facts.
You don’t have to like the situation—but fighting it won’t change it.
“This is happening. I may not like it, but it is real.”
Step 3: Acknowledge that something led to this moment
Everything has a cause. This doesn't mean blame—it means cause and effect.
Understanding that the present moment didn’t arise out of nowhere can reduce feelings of injustice or personal failure.
“Given what has happened, this outcome makes sense.”
Step 4: Practice accepting with your whole self
Acceptance is more than intellectual. It must reach your:
Mind (I understand this is true),
Heart (I allow myself to feel the pain of it),
Body (I relax the tension of resistance).
Try using your body to support this: relaxed hands, soft eyes, open posture.
Step 5: Use opposite action—turn the mind again and again
Acceptance is rarely a one-time decision.
Each time resistance comes back, you must turn the mind back toward acceptance.
“I choose to accept again, even though I don’t want to.”
Step 6: Allow yourself to feel your feelings fully
Acceptance may bring up intense emotions—grief, anger, sadness.
Don’t push them away. Let them rise, peak, and pass.
“Feeling this doesn’t mean I’m failing—it means I’m healing.”
Step 7: Acknowledge the cost of non-acceptance
What does fighting reality cost you—emotionally, physically, spiritually?
This awareness can strengthen your commitment to acceptance.
“Holding on is hurting me more than letting go.”
Step 8: Turn your mind to acceptance over and over
Yes, again. Each time you drift back into resistance, you turn again.
Radical acceptance is an ongoing practice, not a one-off insight.
“Even now, I choose to accept again.”
Step 9: Develop willingness in your body
Try:
Willing hands: resting hands palm-up on your lap.
Half-smile: gently raising the corners of your mouth.
These small physical gestures encourage emotional openness.
“My body is willing, even if my mind is still catching up.”
Step 10: Attend to your behaviour—act as if you’ve accepted
Sometimes action leads emotion. You might not feel ready—but you can still act in ways that align with acceptance.
Cancel the revenge text. Show up for work. Stay in the present.
“I can live with this—even if I’m still learning how.”
You can download the worksheet below to go through this on your own time and reflect on the questions in your journal
